


The Last Forever There Is

by ArkanianDelphiki



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Character Analysis, Gen, Grief/Mourning, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, One Shot, Relationship Study, Sad, Slightly Psychological?, can be interpreted platonically or romantically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-02-06
Packaged: 2018-03-10 18:32:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3299591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArkanianDelphiki/pseuds/ArkanianDelphiki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An analysis of Killua's deep feelings for Gon as he and Alluka mourn his passing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Last Forever There Is

_I always knew, you know_ , he realizes, standing on the edge of the newly dug grave.

He always knew it wouldn’t be forever.

Gon was such an insufferable optimist that Killua was able to push the thought away. Live in the here and now and not worry so much about tomorrow. Because _Gon_ always did that. Because Gon… he never thinks so much as he _does_. When it didn't drive him crazy, Killua found it endearing. That’s just how Gon has always been.

Sometimes, Killua just liked to say that name over and over to himself. Gon. Gon. Gon. Gon Freecs. My friend. My first friend. My best friend. My first and best friend, Gon. My Gon. My Gon, because Killua is possessive, and always has been. About his sister, about his favorite toys, about those things he cares about. Or, really, the things that he likes best

You see, Killua is spoiled too. The favorite child. Almost everybody in the family loves him, even if they show it in strange, abnormal ways. Sometimes, it’s difficult to tell if you really love something or if you’re just really fond of it. You grasp it and keep hold of it. You want it and desire it, have to have it, and when it grows old you toss it aside.

Besides Palm or maybe Leorio and Kurpika, it never seemed that anyone had ever truly believed Killua loved Gon, that he wasn’t going to hurt him when it was all over. It was like a prophesy, haunting him. It _did_ haunt him. Followed him everywhere he went; when someone didn’t bring it up it was still lurking in the back of his brain. That’s when he would stop and stare at Gon and tell himself that that’s not true and they’re wrong. He loves Gon. Gon is his best and first friend. He’s perfectly aware how impossibly, implausibly and incredibly lucky he was to have stumbled across that little imp of a kid, so many years ago. He loves, he is, he does, he’s amazing, he’s _Gon_. Gon, Gon Gon…

It’s hard to understand his nature because Killua is so naturally…  _unlike_ him. But since he’s around him all the time, Killua begins to emulate him. That’s what people do. Besides, when in doubt, emulate. It minimizes suspicion of foul intent. It makes you less obvious.

Killua may not have had much of a social life growing up, but he wasn’t socially impaired…on the surface. He could interact just fine with those around him, understand them to a degree, just enough that he could beat them. If it was a job, so he could kill them. There were instances where he brushed up against a possibly friendship (not that he knew it then). People like Canary, the girl who so looked like she wanted to speak with him, who looked like she’d been blessed by a god when, on a whim, he carelessly tossed her a word, or handed her his skateboard. But you know, he never got close, never paid attention. In many ways, he never cared. It wasn’t until he met Gon and had staid with him a couple months that he began to realize how little he knew about human interaction. Or humans, really.

When he met Gon, a whole new world opened up to him.

Gon thought is would never end and Killua believed it too, because Gon did.

Because after awhile, he stopped caring what other’s thought, and just knew. He _knew_ he loved Gon. It was truer than true. It was…undeniable. Killua would die for Gon. Gon was his best friend and first friend and he loved him. Killua’s twisted upbringing didn’t change the ability all humans inherently have, the ability to love. Killua could love. He does love.

Always did love.

Which is why he knew it wouldn’t be forever. Couldn’t be forever. This…being with him. With Gon. Yes, they’ve split up before, gone their separate ways. They’ve seen each other at their worst, and pulled each other out of the depths. That’s what a friend is. What friends _do_. They are there, like a family (especially if you don’t really have one). They love you despite everything.

So when they’re gone for _good_ …

When they’re undeniably, indisputably, unquestionably, _gone for good, never coming back, no mystery about it, six feet down, becoming one with the dirt and worms and rot, deceased, dead, dead, dead, dead, DEAD…_

Well.

That’s the last forever there is.

Isn’t it?

* * *

Alluka rests her head against Killua, her shoulders shaking as she tries to hold in the tears. “He’s not really dead,” Killua whispers to her. “Shhh.”

“He’s dead.”

“It’s not the end. Haven’t you heard of heaven?”

She quiets down then, thinking on that, likely mulling over the idea of Gon ‘looking down on them’ flying about with angel wings, maybe playing a harp. After awhile, she looks up at Killua, face streaked with tears, silently studying his pale face. “I don’t know if I believe it that.”

“Huh,” he replies, voice quiet and small and lifeless. “Well, I don’t. People are monsters and the world is rot. But I hope you do. I hope you believe there is something better. I want something better.”

They stare in silence, neither talking, just soaking in the sun’s brilliant rays. It’s bright and hot and alive like Gon, even when he’s no longer here to be his own shining sun. It stands to reason then that when Killua’s gone, there will still be a moon. It stands to reason that when everyone the had ever known is gone for good, life will still continue on. And when life becomes extinct and the world is just a lifeless floating planet in a endless expanse called The Universe, that too will continue on. Whatever _that_ even is.

_I miss you Gon. You should have died fighting the greatest Nen-user that ever lived. You’d be a tale told, mouth-by-mouth, for centuries; one of those stories where they say, “he’ll come back one day” or “he’s still alive,” because you’re larger-than-life and too great a legend to ever truly die._

“You’re that for me,” Killua whispers, and Alluka hears, but only smiles as if she knows what he was thinking.

“Come on,” she says at length, pulling him up. “We’ve got a luncheon to attend.” And then they just walk. Two grown people, walking step-in-step, wordlessly, thinking their own thoughts. On the way to their own graves, someday, but that’s alright. We all die, after all. Killua decides he doesn’t care about that just now, and takes his sister’s hand. “I loved that idiot.”

“Me too.”

“That’s good.”

And that’s all they really need to say for now.

**Author's Note:**

> I swear, this was not supposed to turn out depressing (I did not plan on killing Gon!), but there you are. Hope it was decent. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


End file.
